Understanding Sober

Anyone out there ever watched someone get sober?  I don't mean "right now, clean the chemicals outta your system" physically sober.  I am referring to the "whole body-mind-spirit priority makeover" when people basically reinvent themselves.  Or find themselves for the first time.  I think I am in it right now.

I quit smoking a couple six weeks ago, and yeah, I've cheated a few times when we go out, but basically, lifestyle-wise, I am really a nonsmoker now.  So there that is.  Pat me on the back.  Except I don't think I've done the hard work yet.  Kicking the physical habit of smoking was accomplished with the help of Chantix and the realization that I'm getting too old for this shit.  So I quit.  Bf and I quit.  Done.  No longer smokers.

Now we have to figure out wtf is going on.  **snort**  Yeah, go ahead and laugh because it sounds like trite bullshit, but I am serious as a heart attack.  WTF is going on?  The last time my brain functioned without nicotine was 1990.  It's like starting over and learning how to be a grownup again, sans addiction.  And THAT is where I draw a parallel with watching someone get sober.  They act fucked up.  Yay for them, they're not drinking, so at least they're not gonna die today, but they DO act fucked up.  They don't know WHY they are acting that way.  They read the Big Book with religious fervor, and they cling to their sponsors and their meetings with their last shreds of sanity.  I think I get it now.

It's not that you want to drink, use, smoke, or (insert your addiction here) again.  You're so over that.  Your body and brain just don't know what the fuck to do without the substance.  Your whole lifestyle, personality, and meaning is bent and shaped by your addiction.  Sure, addicts know they need to steer clear of old friends and old haunts in order to maintain their sobriety, but that's not what I mean.  Everything... every act, every thought, every word, every motivation... my entire adult life has been ruled by cigarettes.  Subtly, yes, but ruled nonetheless.  Now that I no longer serve that master, I am at a loss.  I can't find focus or direction.  What now?

I feel like that newly-sober annoying freak without the "rock bottom" story.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own life.  I am angry and sad and empty and spazzed and freaked the fuck out all the time.  My fuse isthislong.  I will take your head off for no reason, and I won't even notice it's missing until hours later.  I want to cry all the time, sometimes.  I want to yell at someone because it really is satisfying right now.  I am waiting, sitting here, hoping and waiting for things to improve.  Where's the fucking magical revelation?  Why aren't the clouds parting and angel choirs singing?  Where's my reward?  I quit smoking, you assholes.  Yeah YOU.  The people who've been tsk-tsking at me my whole life, been telling my how disappointed you were in me, telling me how it was ruining my health (like that was a news flash).  I did what you, society, my doctor, my kids, and everyone else of the planet has been telling me to do:  I quit.  So where's my reward?  I'm tired of feeling like shit.  I'm tired to feeling like emotional scrambled eggs.  I am tired of being useless and mean to my family.  I am tired of not being able to control myself.

How about that irony?  Now that I had enough will power to quit smoking, I feel like I can't control myself.  More like, I have no control over my life.  I feel overwhelmed a lot.  Maybe, just maybe, I was a better person when I smoked?  Ever think of that?  Maybe it's worth trading 15 years of my life for sanity?  Quality versus quantity?  Don't worry, there's no rationalization there.  I'm not starting up again.  I'm just sayin'...  what if my brain chemistry and personality were better, more friendly, more organized, more fun, and clearer when I smoked?  I liked myself before.  I miss that.  I am tired of not liking me.