I'm not supposed to be here

I coach one of my kids' teams, and one of my co-coaches is a doctor. Nice guy. His kid is on the team. So we're leaving, and he and his kid get into their Corvette and drive home.  I don't begrudge him, nor do I want a Corvette. When I watch them drive away, I'm reminded that it's supposed to be me. I was supposed to be a doctor. My whole life, that's all I wanted. I point the finger at myself. It's my own damn fault I'm broke. I could have NOT gotten married so young, NOT had kids so young, NOT squandered my chance.  But I didn't.  I hate myself just a little bit for it, too.  I hate that I wasted my chance. I hate that I didn't utilize 1/100th of my talent and skill and intelligence to DO something with my life. I hate it hate it hate it.  I hate that I have to be grateful for my part time hourly wage job because I would be screwed without it. I hate that I have to work two full shifts just to pay my phone bill. I hate that if my husband get laid off, we would be in the worst Challenger Deep level of trouble. I hate that my boss treats me like a brainless peon. I hate feeling like a failure. Just call me Captain Almost. It doesn't feel like my life sometimes, like this can't be really as good as it gets.

Gimme a break

I got my umpteenth rejection letter/email today. Problem is, I really wanted this job. It paid well, and it was at a great company. I thought I'd at least get a callback for a second interview. WTF? It's like I have some invisible black mark on my forehead. No one will hire me. Oh wait, I'm mistaken... I got an offer for $10.50 and hour. Ten fucking dollars an hour! Are you serious? I made more than that in high school! Again, WTF? What is wrong with people? No one can live on $10.50 an hour. I have kids and bills. I need a job that pays what I'm worth. I am so pissed I could cry. The job I just got rejected from paid 50k. I have an interview on Thursday for a 30k job. Thirty thousand a year... that breaks down to around 14-15.00 per hour. It's so low, but I don't have any other options right now. I could just cry.

Crazy Busy

I've been applying for jobs like a crazy lady. I had two interviews last week, so I hope to hear those results on Tuesday. I've been trying to get a handle on our bills and expenses, too. Spreadsheets galore. Nothing interesting to write about, really. Bored stiff. Hit me up with some funnies.